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The Last Temptation of Grokalicious...new adventures, new laughter, new fun

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  • The Last Temptation of Grokalicious...new adventures, new laughter, new fun

    Things are not always what they seem on the surface and fear only sharpens that. We should always pause a moment when confronted with this and take a deep breath, along with a step back. May our knee jerk reactions be forever laid to rest...

    When I read over my last journal right before I quit writing in it, I saw myself eddying slowly downward in the final few pages which made me decide to stop for a while. It was then that I had my epiphany. I was allowing fear to drag me into its maw and lock me tightly into believing that bad things were permeating every facet of my entire existence. In truth, nothing of the kind was happening but I had to retreat a little to really embrace this. Fear marred my ability to see the silver linings I always thought were there (they were and are, I just couldn't see them).

    After my Doctor visit in February, I began to incrementally add unnecessary restrictions to my life week by week. In spite of being smart enough to realize that my Doc was a bit flippant (perhaps some lame and untimely attempt at humor on his part), I could only hear his words echoing in my mind, that I would likely die of this someday. I see now that contextually he meant someday as in when I am an old woman but at the time I was only able to play an endless loop of those words over and over and over. I stopped working out the way that I had, stopped hiking, quit lunking cases of wine (something I was always proud to do before, as those boxes are rather heavy).

    I won't go on listing everything that changed but will say that it bled into my positive outlook of life, it hogtied me in my personal and professional relationships and I became a brittle and negative woman. Fear was enveloping me in all regards and I had no idea who that uptight stranger was gazing forlornly back at me in my mirror. I decided to get a second opinion and asked my Doctor Cousin and he did some research. Off I went and the first thing the new Doc did was tell me I had to start living my life again, go lift whatever I wanted at the gym and that it was no big deal to carry cases of wine. The worst case scenario would likely be surgery in 20-30 years and the best case is where I am now. Asymptomatic. The old Doctor-schmuck did not sent my echocardiogram with the rest of my info, so I go bright and early Thursday morning to get a new one. And life is good.

    Work is going better now, working out is lovely. My relationship with my Mother is much improved (she apologized for so much and we are okay). She stops herself and briefly bites her tongue when things start to get dicey and I do much the same. I'm smiling again and ready for all of the fun adventures waiting for me to grab them. Frenchy and I are on an extended time out and there may be a new Frenchman, although he lives far far away and speaks no English at all. We shall see. It'll all be fun though and there will likely be many new chapters around him or the old Frenchy (what is it with me and Frenchman?). Stay tuned. My ex put all of the money from the house into some six-month CD but came by last night with a small bit of money and told me more would be coming in December. Like I said, life is good.

    Years and years ago, my parents lived out in the country and very early one cold autumn morn, they were enjoying their breakfast tea when they heard a horrible thud outside of the glass slider that opened out onto the deck. Out they ran, only to find a young hummingbird lying there dead on the icy hoarfrost wood. Or so my Mother thought. My Father gently scooped up the beautiful little ruby-throated creature and tucked it inside his open shirt right next to his heart. He sat quietly with the bird, focusing on being still and warm and hoping against hope that the life force hadn't been pushed out. And, indeed it had not. After some time the wee bird stirred and my Dad slowly dribbled some water into its tiny beak. By then the warm fall sun had thawed out the ice on the deck and my Dad softly set it down there. Not a word was spoken between my parents other than my Dad's earlier request to bring some water, and time seemed to sit still as they watched it begin to stir even more. With a final little shake of its ruffled feathers, it took off soaring into the bright blue sky amidst applause and much joy. And that was that.

    The next evening at dusk, my parents had company over and they were all sitting on the deck drinking wine and laughing merrily. My Dad had just told the story of the little hummingbird when, seemingly out of nowhere, the ruby-throated lovely alighted on my Dad's head for a good minute or so and everyone just gasped with mouths agape. It had come back to thank him, I'm sure. The point being that had they simply taken things at face value, that hummingbird would have actually died. But my Pop looked a wee bit closer and believed that trying to save a life was well worth it. It always is.
    Last edited by Grokalicious; 11-20-2016, 06:23 PM.
    Never argue for your limitations.

  • #2
    Gazing upward...

    I am grateful. I am happy. I am healthy. If I wasn't so comfy on my bed, I'd be doing a back flip or dancing. Yesterday I was told that I definitely do NOT have an aortic aneurysm, nor do I have a bicuspid aortic valve. In the space of 20 minutes at the end of a long day, both Cardiologists told me I am fine. The past six months have been a plummeting roller coaster ride of wrong information being given to me. And, I am too happy to do anything in retaliation. Chapter closed. Onward and upward.

    I read tonight that the yearly meteor showers are happening next week. Make your wish! Many moons ago, I lived in a small village on the wild northern coast of California. I was in love with a man (the man I saved from death in Mexico if you've read my other journal). He was in love with me. But, we felt it was time to split up and in the summer of that year we very sadly started making plans to move from the house we shared and go our separate ways. It was August and the Perseid meteor showers were in full swing for a few days. We were leaning against one another on the redwood deck on that clear balmy evening right after twilight. The move was a week or two away and we were making lists of who got what. Laughing a little, crying a lot. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of the first shooting star and, with a childlike giggle, dragged an old mattress into the middle of the big yard. Esteban and I snuggled against each other on our backs. holding hands and waiting. Whoosh, there went one. We gasped and squeezed each others hand a little harder. The meteors shot across the skies over and over and we felt like kids at a magic show. By the end of the evening we had decided to stay together and to this day I think of him whenever I see a shooting star. I guess there's magic everywhere if you just look for it.
    Last edited by Grokalicious; 08-15-2015, 07:22 PM.
    Never argue for your limitations.

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    • #3
      Soaring upward

      All is well. More than well. Fantastic and filled to bursting with expectations and latent opportunities bubbling under the surface of my life. Of my dreams, and hopes and most heartfelt wishes.

      The first Frenchman est fini. That is that, as I like to say. But. I heard the click for sure. The same click that has happened just prior to me ending every relationship I've decided was kaput. Done. Nothing to salvage. He texted me about 10 days back to tell me that I simply don't like not being part of the story, that I am just mad that he doesn't acknowledge our story enough. I ignored the text and emailed him the following, which gave me a brilliant sense of closure and freedom:

      "You kick me away time and time again. It's like if you had a puppy and whistled for her, telling her what a pretty little puppy she is and then when she trusts you and comes to you, instead of petting her a bit, you kick her. Hard. And then you call her again, and slowly she walks toward you a little frightened and you coax her closer, but as soon as she gets near to you, you kick her away even harder. And after a little while, the pretty little puppy doesn't come when you call her. She even tells you in puppy talk that she's done. And then you call out to her, telling her it will be a fresh new start, a much anticipated beginning for the both of you to be together. This is the bone you hold out to her with that slight smile of yours. She's hesitant but finally agrees. She decides to trust you one last time, but as usual, you kick her again with no explanation. You watch her run away with her little tail twixt her legs and question why she is gone, gone, gone this time. Can't she see you're just going through stuff. Silly little puppy."

      Only I wrote it in French. It's actually better in that language. So, I am done. And cool with it. And, as hinted at in my last entry, there is a new Frenchman. He is a friend of friends in the wine business and speaks no English at all. That's right, nary a word. And my friends asked if I would show him Los Angeles and wineries in Paso or Napa when he comes to visit Los Angeles. I agreed. And now I think they set us up for some reason. He is really quite handsome (they introduced us on FB, of all weirdnesses), and he's smart and quotes poets and authors like Jack London in his messages to me. I spoke to him last night on the phone for 45 minutes and did really well with French. He lives on the other side of the world. And this was the quote from Jack London that he sent (only his message quoted him in French):

      "And he knew she was his, that all he had to do was to say "Come," and she would go with him over the world wherever he led."

      If you want to get under my skin, quote someone whose writing I admire. I will do my best to hide it but I guarantee that I shall sit for quite some time in the very palm of your hand. And, yes, follow you to the end of whatever world you'd like to show me.

      And, that is that. For now anyway. Well, except for this, which I've taken much to heart in my life of late:

      Never let someone dim your light, simply because it's shining in their eyes...
      Last edited by Grokalicious; 08-24-2015, 10:02 PM.
      Never argue for your limitations.

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      • #4
        The incredible rawness of being, postmortem

        I feel emotionally flayed open tonight. Everything exposed to the harsh light of day, of truth, of moving on. The rawness so palpable that there is no real respite other than to try to move through it as gently as possible. I will go to sleep sad and teary eyed hoping to wake up my usual sunny self. Nary a bit of salt to rub into these wounds. I am purging it here.

        Frenchman #1 and I spoke at length on the phone tonight. And I am sad. What a hideous thing to feel so connected to someone at every damned level and then have it end (on both of our sides, actually). Suddenly. Well, we started up quickly as well. The French call it a "coup de foudre," a bolt of lightening. He thinks he wants to be a father. I can not do that for him. He pushed it away for a long time and felt conflict because of his love for me. Adoption not a possibility as it simply costs too much. He also feels I deserve more than he can give me at this time. We laughed and cried a bit and decided this all felt like some miserably quintessential Shakespearean tragedy. I told him about the new Frenchman. Frenchy #1 thought that was great. He reminded me that I often say that everything happens for a reason. It does although I am not altogether sure that feels good to me right now. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that, I am sure a reason will pop up at some point. To be honest, I could not care less. And, in utter frankness, I can tell you that I hope that changes and soon. Romantic apathy is not terrifically beguiling. But. I imagine this too shall pass before new Frenchy is around in person.

        I am thin. I am thin. Not slender. Thin. No appetite in the heat, less now in the revelation that I am alone. It scares me. Not because I feel I am not attractive but because I fear not having a special connection with a man again. I am picky. I need chemistry. Authenticity. Knuckle draggers need not apply.

        I wanted to speak of my trip but, as mentioned, I feel raw and hurt and bruised. It's time for sleep. Suffice it to say, this too shall pass.
        Last edited by Grokalicious; 12-05-2015, 04:40 PM.
        Never argue for your limitations.

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        • #5
          Of augers and dreams

          I'm lazing quietly at home this late summer's day. Happy. Relaxed. Looking ahead. The challenge of staying in the moment is always nipping at my heels somehow. Living in the now. I'm too excited to do so although I must say that looking forward is infinitely more positive than miring one's self in the past. It's always now, as my Father liked to say. The "now" in my life is fun and lovely but I have such a sense of positive change. Nothing specific, I just know that the second half of my Father's words in my dream three years ago are finally coming true.

          Three years ago this summer, I was still living with J although plans to move out were definitely being made slowly and quietly. My job had started to bore me and I knew that I needed a change in that arena as well. As if by magic, a man who I had known professionally for years sent me a note asking if I had thought of making a move, of changing companies. And, I met with him, took some odd test he proffered about wine, aced it and even pointed out his wrong answer (Gently, of course. Those in power often hate being corrected). I was offered the job but declined because of a gnawing feeling of "wrongness" that I felt deep down. And then, was talked into it. People in sales can be very persuasive and, for some reason, his pitch worked. When I gave notice, my soon-to-be old boss was floored, upset and not very good at hiding it. When I called the Big Boss, he tried to talk me out of it but, as always, once my mind is made up completely, you cannot sway me. Still, a little voice in the back of my head was questioning everything and I would shush it each time it whispered its concerns softly into my ear. I don't make subtle changes, no delicate shadings in my life...so, plans were made and life seemed to be moving seamlessly toward the new job and toward locating the perfect new place to live in the most ideal town I could find. Ah, I remember sighing, it's all good. But the voice was still there doubting things, and I'd quickly change the subject in my head to quell its niggling fears.

          One night, I was tossing and turning quite a bit but finally knocked out. I fell into what one would call a "lucid dream" in which everything seems real and anything but dream-like. I saw my Father walking toward me and when he embraced me could feel his arms around me. He clasped me on both shoulders and looked quite solemnly into my eyes. "Lish," he softly whispered, "you must remember what I am about to tell you. Don't forget a word of what I say, especially the last part. In three weeks, your life is going to start going to sh*t. The sh*t will truly hit the fan and keep hitting it. Each time that you almost feel that you have it sorted, boom. Something else will happen. You will lose hope, you will be hungry, you will be frightened and you will feel as though you have nowhere to turn. Do NOT forget this dream. Remember my words. Once you get through all of this, you will have learned much and you will be the happiest you've ever been. Surmounting these obstacles will strengthen you and this will be what comforts you during the rough times ahead. This, and the knowledge that something lovely is on offer for you after." And then he hugged me quite tightly and tenderly as only a Father can and I awakened with tears and a wet pillow pressed soggily against my cheek.

          He was right. On July 30th I started the new job and during my orientation I simply knew that I had made the biggest mistake of my life to date and learned definitively that I should always pay attention to my first intuitions, always. A few days after that, lots of ugliness escalated with J (nothing violent, just weirdnesses that I won't go into here). Once I moved, more sh*t hit the fan. Car problems, my mother needing money to move, money issues of my own, no furniture (I walked out with nothing except an old antique trunk). I often felt like I was about to implode, as though the world and my newly minted problems were going to suck the very life and hope right out of me. But then I would remember his words, his promise that everything would work out in the end. And I would push on, and push through. No matter what. Friendships ended, relationships I had since I was a young girl. Betrayals of my beliefs, my trusting goodness. Shattered.

          Oh, there were moments of loveliness throughout. Ephemeral reminders of life's beauty and fun and laughter and love, however brief. And I pushed on, always on the lookout for the moment he spoke of, when everything would turn around. Yet, I often felt as though there was always another nine-headed Hydra to slay, new challenges life threw at me. Hercules had nothing on me. Little by little things seemed to grow a bit better, and then the final challenge, the final Herculean labor was ordered up. Overcome Cerberus, the guard dog of the Underworld. My heart issue. And, just like Hercules, I was very much weaponless. Everything was tangled up with this in my head, my psyche, my emotions. Finally, my reprieve was given, although I thankfully never had to wrestle Cerberus. I emerged from all of this unscathed. Everything bad, even down to the negative dross, burned metaphorically out of my life. Clean. Pure. Golden. My Father's predictions all brought to fruition. A new outlook on life reborn from the ashes of my tribulations like some modern day Phoenix.

          I realized all of this at a very visceral level this week. And the night of this epiphany I fell asleep easily and deeply. In the early morning hours I finally had the other dream I had waited three years to have. My Father sauntering down a long hallway to me, a gentle smile on his face. An embrace and his words whispered softly into my ear. "You made it, Lish. Just like I knew you would. You did it! Now move forward in your life with passion and know you will always make it through. Go and shine."

          And so I shall.
          Last edited by Grokalicious; 12-05-2015, 04:44 PM.
          Never argue for your limitations.

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          • #6
            The Oxbow...

            I am finally able to see around the oxbow in the stream. Just too crazy busy to properly describe it! And, several things still up in the air.

            I can tell you that I am excited and that I absolutely will divulge all by Sunday next. This will be on the heels of attending a high school reunion. N.B., I have not shown my face at any of them. I peeked at photos from the last one and wondered about all of the old and out of shape people...more to come!!!!
            Last edited by Grokalicious; 11-02-2015, 06:56 AM.
            Never argue for your limitations.

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            • #7
              That glow (who is that girl??)

              Life's lovely presents are finally almost all unwrapped at my feet. And, I am beaming! Smiling and content, relaxed and carefree. I find myself giggling for no reason. Oh, well the one. I'm just happy.

              Reunions are odd. I was an utter outcast in high school (or so I thought). A full year younger chronologically as I had skipped an entire year of school. Not a good place to be, really. My classmates all hit puberty and I didn't. It was the only time in my life that I felt ugly and not terrifically feminine. I had issues at home. A lousy relationship with my parents, having to baby-sit their recreational pastimes (70's weirdness) and I was a pretty miserable kid. Honestly, I cried a lot. Pretty typical teenage angst. But, once out of high school, all of that self doubt fell away from me and I started soaring through life...or at least navigating my path in such a way that I understood where I came from. Transcendence.

              I've taken very good care of myself and have always worked out and eaten right. Even before I began eating primally, I still ate pretty healthfully. I never drank sodas and never ate fast food. I took care of my skin, getting plenty of vitamin D but never burning my face or body. I've never been to a reunion until this one! I went with an old friend and when we walked in, I felt amazing. Pleased with where I am in life; fit, healthy, and perhaps most importantly, I felt happy to the bone. And, I looked good that night. I overheard some girl I detested in high school hiss soto voce to another, "who is that? Do we know her?." "Has she had work? She looks too good," as she squinted with a miserable grimace at my name tag. Several men who never gave me the time of day in high school did double takes and one actually walked into a pillar. We both laughed. I was warmth personified, could say and do no wrong. Charming, witty, gracious. I asked old friends silly questions. Are you happy? Are you? I had a glass of Champagne in my hand and as I took a sip noticed that I felt every bit as effervescent as the bulles bubbling up to the surface and I smiled a little wryly to myself at how much life had changed. I haven't stopped smiling since.

              And, I have a new amazing job. The job I've wanted since graduating years ago!! They found me! My old boss who brokers and distributes super high end wines called to tell me that one of the wineries in her portfolio was looking for a National Sales Manager. The proper steps were taken, resume sent, interview set. The minute I stepped in to the interview, I knew I had the job. We simply hit it off and were on the exact same page. They met and exceeded everything I requested and I gave notice to my distributor job Tuesday night. My old manager, his wife, another team member and I were about to enjoy some more bubbles ('natch) and a 5 course wine dinner when I took him outside of the restaurant and told him. I stayed, we ate and celebrated life and good food and wine and it was quite lovely. Ran into an old friend who works for the import company whose wines were featured that evening. He's a great guy, a dear pal who I've missed and we teased back and forth in French. Such a great and fun night. Yesterday, on the heels of all that, I was told by work that they would pay me for my two weeks notice but that I was done. Can you imagine? Done!! So, here I am relaxing. I cleaned my house of all of the vestiges of paperwork from the old job and am ready and happy to start my new amazing chapter!!! Worked out yesterday and today. Back in the groove! I start two weeks from today. Perfect.

              I'm sure I shall meet someone at some point. The Frenchman from out of town? Well, the practical woman in me knows I would never move to the other side of the world on a whim. The impractical lunatic who also lives inside me? Well, time will tell, won't it? The only thing I know for sure is there is an adventure ahead of some kind and I am ready.

              Just watch!
              Last edited by Grokalicious; 11-01-2015, 08:07 AM.
              Never argue for your limitations.

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              • #8
                The ups and downs of leisure time

                I've fallen back in love with the gym, and it with me. I've done nothing but work out, meditate, eat yummy things and give myself pampering skin treatments. But, me being me, instead of taking the full two weeks off, I start the new job tomorrow. I'm bored. I've thorough cleaned my house, neatened my closet, taken hikes, painted weird watered down washes of color on paper and inked them. Slept in (for me that's 6 am) and even had a date.

                A real date. Horrible it was! Some male friends talked me into going back on the dating site I tried a couple of years ago and it was eye roll after eye roll after receiving misspelled and misbegotten notes from potential suitors. I think they likely were all just trying to get in my pants (or anyone's pants, for that matter) and the only difference between one another was their degree of cleverness. But, even their King of Clever was a verified mouth-breathing knuckle dragger. I know because I actually met him for a drink and a snack. Oh, he seemed all right on paper and his profile had a decent spate of photos peppered across it. You know, the right angle hides a multitude of boringness and, in his case, incessant sarcasm. We met at a restaurant famous for murder! Yes, that's it. Robert Blake killed his wife there. Allegedly. So, we had our little rendezvous there and I waited outside at the host stand for him to arrive. Finally, in the shadows across the street I could make out a stooped figure. Backlit. Like the trailer for The Exorcist, just completely lit from behind (should have been my auger, no?). He was tall and thin and had shoulders like a bird. Ok. Not the end of the world. But, his attitude was hideous. I had never met someone whose voice literally dripped with sarcasm, but his did. We were seated, I ordered some bottled water and a glass of wine. He made fun of me for not eating any of his fried calamari, took random potshots at all of the other diners, the waitress, whoever. At the end of what seemed like forever, we finally got up to leave. He walked me to the valet (he had parked blocks and blocks away) and his parting "gift" was some lame stab at kissing me passionately on the lips as the valet handed over my car. Luckily, I turned at the perfect moment and he ended up briefly french kissing my cheek which, as you might imagine, was creepiness personified. Anyway, let's just say I couldn't get home quickly enough to delete my profile from the dating site (which rhymes with Okstupid). I am now back to no suitors, which is actually just fine with me.

                I was a little sad last night. I was cleaning out my document files, emails, and photos from my Mac and came across all of the mementos of my time with Frenchy #1. Photos of us laughing, him being goofy, notes about me and his feelings for me. The cold water of reality splashing against my face. Nothing left. At least I didn't read through my other blogs here. I'm not terrifically masochistic, thankfully. Sad that a pretty woman felt so alone last night. I couldn't remember the last time someone hugged me, even a friend. Seems so ironic for me to be by myself. I love feeling connected to others, even ephemerally (but especially in a primary romantic relationship) and there I sat. I think I need to heal a little more from Frenchy before I go out in the world of romance again.

                Off to sleep so I can start my new chapter tomorrow with a well rested smile. You just never know what (or who!) is around the next corner. Good things, fun adventures for sure.
                Last edited by Grokalicious; 11-01-2015, 07:57 AM.
                Never argue for your limitations.

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                • #9
                  It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

                  With apologies to Mr. Dickens, it really has been just that. I am the happiest I have ever been in terms of most aspects of my life. Right livelihood, doing exactly what I should be doing. Room for growth, representing wines that resonate with my sensibilities. The only job better than this would be representing good Champagne. I have time to work out, time to smile. Time for things outside of work. I have time. And, I am healthy. Radiant. Full of energy. Ebullient. My health scare weeded people out of my life that didn't deserve to be in it. Those who remain in my life are lovely and positive and not fair weather friends. Life, as I like to say, is good.

                  But, I am absolutely having a hard time moving on from the Frenchman. I keep thinking about how I walked out of his garden, his life. That I quietly and definitively left, leaving him sitting there. Done. And how he ultimately begged me back, telling me that we belonged together, only to go POOF yet again a mere two weeks after. Who does that? I thought I was doing okay. I believed I was fine. Apparently not so much. In the wee hours of the morning yesterday, I was half asleep. Just dozing lazily. I had another one of those dreams that feel like they're happening. The Frenchman was stroking my hair softly, twirling the ends gently in his hand. I could feel his solid weight sitting on the bed next to me. Slowly, he bent over and kissed me tenderly on the temple and whispered huskily in my ear, "I love you, Lish. I always have from the first moment that I saw you. And I always will. Don't forget that."

                  Look, I'm not stupid. It's just a dream. Some silly longing I have for someone who doesn't want me any more. Why can't I just get past that? We were only together a year and a half and yet the connection is difficult to be without. As someone once said to me here, loss is loss. I get that. But I would really like to move on. To not have dreams like that. I can not imbue everything in my life with symbolic meaning (although it really is my nature, my road map in life). In this case, there is no reading of tea leaves, no swirling eddies in teacups that will tell me what is going on. There is just me. And the harsh light of day.

                  I will get through all of this. And even smile a little. And someday someone will whisper those same words to me. In real life. And it will be so pure and good and loving that I won't even feel the need to write about it to purge the emotions from under my skin. It will just be.
                  Last edited by Grokalicious; 11-23-2015, 01:36 PM.
                  Never argue for your limitations.

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                  • #10
                    Just rediscovered you and your luscious entries. My hope for you to find the right connection is there.
                    Female back to the basics: 5-2017
                    CW: 2017: 150
                    GW: 130 a dream, I know
                    Muscle soreness surrounding Neck, Thyroid and Rosacea issues.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by perennialpam View Post
                      Just rediscovered you and your luscious entries. My hope for you to find the right connection is there.
                      Ahhh, that just made my morning. Luscious! My entries are luscious!
                      Never argue for your limitations.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Grokalicious View Post
                        Ahhh, that just made my morning. Luscious! My entries are luscious!
                        They are indeed. Congrats on the new job. Just keeping following your dreams, you will find the right connections.
                        M2M

                        "Nonspecific strength gains have to be converted into real improvements in athletic performance or they are not useful."
                        - Training for the New Alpinism by Steve House and Scott Johnston

                        Primal Journal: Hmm, I'll take this path...

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                        • #13
                          Embracing Uncertainty

                          I recently read an article about the seven traits of successful people. The usual suspects; get up early, think outside the box, have a plan. I may have made up those I just listed because what I read was so nondescript and dull, really. Nothing any of us haven't heard about or read before. Except the part about embracing uncertainty which has stayed with me ever since. I gasped when I read that phrase...embrace uncertainty. It just stuck with me, hung around my head, some sort of dark cloud that I couldn't figure out. It was hard for me to see a silver lining there as it just seemed so scary and ominous. But, then I began to understand it through the eyes of my past.

                          My whole life has been one episode of uncertainty after another, all of which worked out in the long run (or at least in hindsight). Friends have always commented that I have no fear, I just pick up and move and focus on whatever new life or changes I seek. Often without any money backing my plunge. Just my wee dollop of madness, or moxie...call it what you like. What my pals don't know is that I absolutely was afraid and pushed through anyway. I don't know about other people's lives and uncertainty, but it seems to me that's just part of the human condition. The only thing that is certain? Your attitude toward not knowing what comes next. It's going to decide which way things go. So choose your attitude with an eye to the future. I guess that's what they mean by embracing uncertainty. To dive willy-nilly into whatever is next in spite of the uncertainty and simply trust that everything will work out. It's probably a very Primal emotion. To have fear and do it anyway. To try to live with the undercurrent of unpredictability. That complete lack of security can be either exciting and motivating or can paralyze you with fear and procrastination.

                          Jumping into the unknown has always triggered intense feelings for me. Yet, oddly enough, not emotions directly related to my next move. Many years ago I spent the summer regrouping in a small town on the wild Northern coast of California where my parents had moved. I didn't know anyone there except for a young married couple with two toddlers who were friends with my parents. The lady was quite a few years younger than my folks and a few older than me. We'd play cards and hang out with the kids but little by little I realized I was pretty miserable there and that my future wasn't cradled in that town. In one of my fits of impulsive pique, I decided to move back to the wicked city. The day before I left, the woman and I drove down to the headlands to watch the sunset with the kids and some of their buddies piled into the back seat. It seemed so crazy for me to leave; yet another one of my hair-brained ideas but there really was no stopping me. We sat there laughing and talking, the kids chortling away over nothing, giggling and saying our goodbyes, assuring one another that I was going to be okay.

                          As the sun started to set in earnest, our laughter lessened. The first bit of peach hued light splayed out across the gun-metal grey ocean, the sun poking through its soft golden rays, a half dome perched gently on the horizon. And I knew that moment would never "be" again and yet it felt so perfect and real. I was leaving the next day! A final wee laugh, I turned to the kids and with the sun's last light softly reflected on their faces, whispered, "hey, hey you kids, go on and wave bye-bye to the sun." And up they all sat, backs straight in their seats and solemnly waved their farewells. "Come on now," I coaxed more joyfully and louder, "let's all tell the sun goodbye like we mean it." And we all started to laugh and wave like madmen, shrieking "Goodbye Sun!" with bright smiles on our faces. Waving over and over, until the very last bit of daylight was snuffed out. I quieted my fears, started the engine, pulled 'round the headlands and drove them home into the dark silence of the night.
                          Last edited by Grokalicious; 07-28-2016, 07:00 AM.
                          Never argue for your limitations.

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                          • #14
                            Nice to see you posting new entries.

                            Love the story about your dad and the hummingbird. What wonderful memory of the sensitivity and kindness to have of your father and the brief connection he shared with that little life. I do enjoy your stories very much.

                            Embracing uncertainty is not for the weak of heart. Fortunately our hearts can be trained to strengthen (especially mine).
                            “Never let the perfect be the enemy of the good”. - Popular translation of Voltaire

                            If you are honest with your lacks, BE honest with your abundance, as well.


                            "....the route finding part, and dead reckoning - figure out where I need to be and how to get there, then stay on target as I move over the land and through the forest."
                            - Originally Posted by Meant2Move

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by HeuristicFireFlower View Post
                              Nice to see you posting new entries.

                              Love the story about your dad and the hummingbird. What wonderful memory of the sensitivity and kindness to have of your father and the brief connection he shared with that little life. I do enjoy your stories very much.

                              Embracing uncertainty is not for the weak of heart. Fortunately our hearts can be trained to strengthen (especially mine).
                              Thanks, it's nice to be posting again and I always appreciate your kind words. My father was an interesting rapscallion and I hope one day to have at least half of his writing talent in telling a story that speaks from the heart.

                              What choices do we have aside from embracing uncertainty? I think fighting against it or denying its existence are useless tacks. Strong heart and true aim.
                              Never argue for your limitations.

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