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Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS

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  • Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS

    I did not know.

    For years, I felt virtuous for eating almost no meat and choosing wheat over white. I ran miles at the gym. And yet my reflection in the mirror was not of an average-size panda grooving under the disco ball in my bathroom, but an engorged tick that appeared to be sucking the sugary lifeblood out of every doughnut in the state.

    231 pounds is my High Score. I do not carry it well. Knees throb. Tinnitus worsens. Cheeks bloat. GERD slips into my bed at night with its whip of esophageal fire, and I am just not into hardcore SM. Sweat collects in folds and the trickling down my skin of an escaped drop has woken me more than once. Inspecting my droop and dimple, I ponder: would I answer my own personal ad if I were someone else? I would not.

    Gay Panda is vain, and Gay Panda admits it.

    When I rode over MDA in my drunken Internet traffic weaving, looking for any solution beyond the semi-starvation misery of CW, I was 217. MDA led to Gary Taubes, who unhinged my jaw and placed it on the floor, where it remains to this day. I did not know. I had trusted that health experts were actually experts, the same way you trust at age five that your parents actually know what they are doing.

    I have been primal since April. Progress is slow, but my jeans are a size smaller. My face has lost some of the engorged tick look and I am down to 193.8. Far from fabulous, but tonight Iíll know that Iím going in the right direction as I eat my sirloin.

    Once I learn how to cook it.
    Last edited by Gay Panda; 02-19-2012, 08:44 PM.

  • #2
    Raw sirloin is extra primal!

    "Wait! I'll fix it!"
    "Problems always disappear in the presence of a technician."
    "If you can't improvise, what are you doing out in the field?"


    • #3
      Looking forward to more posts from you - absolutely hilarious images flying through my head now!


      • #4
        haha welcome
        yeah you are

        Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.


        • #5
          Welcome, new favorite poster. May your road to fabulous be fabulous.
          I used to seriously post here, now I prefer to troll.


          • #6
            "Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food." -- Hippocrates


            • #7
              Totally wickedly badassedry hilarity!!! Definitely fabulous!


              • #8
                Brilliant opener!


                • #9
                  Fab is as Fab does, Panda darling! Here's some more jaw-dropping info for you:

                  The Big Fat Fiasco
                  Positively Radical ó Pigeonholes are for Pigeons!


                  • #10
                    Welcome aboard. I hope all of your posts aren't this mundane!
                    There are two wolves fighting within a man's heart, one is Love, the other is Hate. The one that wins is the one you feed.

                    My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world. - Jack Layton

                    The Primal Adventures of Griffin - Huzzah!


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Gay Panda View Post

                      For years, I felt virtuous for eating almost no meat...
                      I'm sure there's a joke there...

                      Congrats on the progress made so far! As for cooking steak, buy a grill and you're set. About as easy to cook with as a microwave.


                      • #12
                        Do you really have a disco ball in your bathroom? I need a disco ball in my bathroom....
                        Cooking Primal with Otter - Journal
                        Otter's (Defunct) Primal Log
                        "Not baked goods, Professor, baked bads!" ~ The Tick


                        • #13
                          Sometimes in my dreams, I am stuffing my face with bread. I wake up hysterical that I have actually done this, and in the seconds before rationality returns, I am convinced that I will step on the scale and be back at 231 pounds. It was such a sexy sensation to have the roll about the waist resting its weary load against the even bigger roll about the hips. But alas, all good things must end, and your chance to make your fingers ski from bulge to bulge when I lie on my side is passing. For those of you feeling a twinge of disappointment, I am sorry. What used to be Everest peaks is sinking to bunny slopes.

                          Am I 100% Primal? No. 90-95%, but once my Fairy Godmother touches the sparkling star on her magic wand to Cadbury Eggs and transforms them into a wholesome primal snack, I will be. Two days before I went primal in April, my darling Lady Friend bought me a pack of fifty as a surprise. I cannot bear to throw them out, and ration eggs to myself with great control.

                          In all honesty, Gay Panda does not need great control. Gay Panda is not tormented by sugar cravings. Candy bars do not sing siren songs in stores, nor does the lack of other goodies make Gay Panda circle sad faces on feelings charts. But lest you molder in jealousy, be consoled that Gay Panda has other problems. Gay Panda is vain and neurotic, and would rather stand in fiery coals than skip down the road in snazzy purple clogs through the Gauntlet of Crazy Neighbors to the mailbox.

                          While many people report primal igniting their energy and passion, lighting a candle to guttered hormones and setting them aflame, this has not happened for me. I am every bit the peaceable (cowardly) definitely-not-an-Alpha panda that I was before. The Netflix has sat on the counter for days as I avoid my neighbors. I haven’t found the strength of soul or the right cut of beef to deal with the worst of them, who we shall call Poo Hurler. Yes, she hurls it. Yes, it’s poo.

                          Poo Hurler is a woman in her fifties who throws cat droppings into the road and hangs more in plastic bags from her tree, because she is insane. She is chatty and crude, and when her adult children visit, they all end up screaming at each other in the yard. I avoid her at all costs. Perhaps I need to eat my sirloin raw and chest thump to get a primal buzz, but in all likelihood, I will just ask Lady Friend when next she is here. Lady Friend is not frightened of Poo Hurler. She went primal not long after I did, and is still every bit the aggressive definitely-an-Alpha as she was before.

                          But maybe today I will feel brave and fabulous, and a brave and fabulous panda does not leave the Netflix on the counter for three days plotting to give a big hug to Lady Friend with an offer to make her a steak dinner in exchange for her going to the mailbox. A brave and fabulous panda girds loins, puts on the snazzy purple clogs in the closet, and runs ululating like Xena: Warrior Princess down the road with Netflix hoisted past the firing line of Poo Hurler. Send your strength and a stylish Tyvek suit, dear primal community. And thank you for welcoming me.
                          Last edited by Gay Panda; 09-01-2011, 10:50 AM.
                          JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!


                          • #14
                            UPDATE: Lady Friend is getting a steak tonight.
                            JOIN THE PANDA SHOW!!! Primal With A Side Of FABULOUS and PANDALOONERY!


                            • #15
                              Welcome, Gay Panda! You are a fabulous writer (and I'm an English teacher, I should know) and terribly funny. Boohiss to Poo Hurler!