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Primal Feet First: In Search of Lost Time or Remembrance of Things Past

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  • Not really an orphan if you get adopted I forgot that I watched the video because all the people talking about it made me think it would be gory or something. Sad, but hopeful. That is an awesome dad.
    Depression Lies


    • Hence the mixed feelings. My munchkin is 3 and ever since he was born, the thought of a child being separated from their parent just gets to me.


      • Hi peoples.

        I've been peeking in but not posting much because I've been sick all week with a stomach thing.
        Well, except maybe over in Canio's journal.
        Things are better since all the drunken postings.
        I'll fill that in tomorrow.

        Because tomorrow I should have tons of time as I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to go see my therapist...
        My appointment was supposed to be at 2pm.
        Silly receptionist called me and changed it to 7:30 AM>
        I'm not quite sure what it will be possible to accomplish at that time of the morning as it's really not the time of the day during which my best thinking occurs.
        But I do hope that it is productive.
        I'm not quite sure where we are starting... more basic info-gathering/history maybe from what he said at the end of our last appointment.
        Then again by the time that is done I might just want to come home and take a long, steamy hot, soaking the bones and soul type, fragrant bath.
        I also need to do some real shopping since I haven't been out all week and it's a stinky "holiday weekend", and I want to get it done before the stores get crowded.
        Soooo... therapist-shopping-hotbathseminappingwithchillaxingmusic.
        That sounds about right.

        I'm really feeling about writing about my time "at the spa" lately too.
        Overall it was a good experience, and I think more and more about it lately in that light.
        Positively. With a sense of humor and a smile... though I do admit that there are still plenty of people who I wouldn't tell because of the hassle of dealing with the judgement issues.
        I guess it's the same as any other private factor of ones life that way.

        “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
        ~Friedrich Nietzsche
        And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


        • I hope your appointment goes well today and your relaxation times is extra relaxing (but please don't fall asleep & drown in the tub).
          Depression Lies


          • Hi hi Cori,

            Just wondering how you're doing. Miss you. xoxo
            "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine


            Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.


            • Hi Cori! How are things? I know you're alive as I've seen you on Facebook... but you're absent here so I thought I'd drop you a line. I hope all is well.
              Primal since March 5, 2012
              SW: 221 | CW: 204 | LPW: 166 | UGW: 140 (80 lbs loss)


              • Hmmm... how are things?
                Such a simple question, yet complex answer if one is to be honest.

                I think the best short answer I can proffer is "Good(I think...), but very, very difficult."
                If you don't want ratty messiness, the possibility of some disorganized thought or really uncomfortable topics at some point below, and the otherwise colorful verbal vomit I've been occasionally known for: Stop Here.
                (or just where ever you get tired of my mess)

                In some ways things are great. Better than one would suspect I suppose.
                I've continued to lose weight at my usual sort of slow/steady, on/off pace... and I now weight less than when I got married almost 15 years ago. And still losing. I've gone through most of my closet shopped pants and there are several now too big, a few I can wear but baggy, a couple that actually fit, and only 2 pair that are still to go down into... and I think one of those might never happen as it's possible it was an accidental "slim cut" purchase from years ago(tags are still on them, but I haven't inspected closely). The other "one" pair is a favorite old pair of Levi button flys that have current Holy Grail status. I don't know if they will ever look as good as they did on my ass as they did in my 20's... BUT, having them on my ass again in my 40's will be enough for me I think.

                Since my 40th birthday is coming up shortly I started having some very "diet-y" thinking happening recently. Stuff like "but if I could just hit 'x' weight by that day"... and I had to put a stop to that. It's a lie. It's bullshit thinking. If I put that goal out there and I lose 5 lbs short then what? I feel like a failure. LOL
                A failure, are you KIDDING me. Ha!
                And what if I did lose 10 lbs instead of just 5? between now and then. At the cost of what... stressing over my food? Fretting if I was going to "make it in time". Worrying? And would anyone really give a shit?
                Sorry, but NO. Sure my friends notice I'm looking better on occasion(and say so), but please. We would all be too busy cracking jokes and drinking, and they would be teasing me about the giant cigar I'm smoking... not trying to analyze if I'm 5lbs or 10lbs lighter.
                No one cares. *so I don't either*
                I'll probably lose some weight between now and then, but it will because I'm just doing my thing eating healthy foods like every other day. Not because of diet speak and diet planning and diet thinking in my head. I think that sort of self talk is very defeating for dieters... I think it defeated me for a long time(among other things, for years) and switching to "just being healthy for TODAY" changed that.

                I'm not sure this is an easy sort of liberation to find. But it's nice.

                That whole appointment thing, which was my last post, ages ago actually went OK. And there was another appointment scheduled, and another with another shrink. And they asked me all sorts of really detailed and difficult questions. And then the psychiatrist(my pill guy: I like him) and the psychologist(she's cool too) at the VA must have gotten together and said "Holy shitballs... wth are we going to do with HER!", because in addition to seeing both of them every other month(VA, over booked that's all ya get, pills and checked in on once in a while) I also now see another psychologist at another Vet center every week. I've been formally diagnosed with PTSD, which my shrink informs me is quite severe and that he's shocked I managed to stay out of a (locked up "spa")hospital setting as long as I did, and MTS(military sexual trauma). I'm undergoing specialized intensive therapy to deal with that. They wanted to send me away to a live in care facility at Bay Pines for a few months to go through a program, but I've opted to try and do the work from home visiting my local therapist at least once a week(sometimes more)... to see if that works first. I figure just the fact that I'm now willing to talk about this stuff after 16 years is a good sign that I'm ready to move in the right direction and finally get the monkey off my back. Or at least turn the 800lb gorilla into a tiny little Capuchin with a bellhop's cap on? (Not that I'm really sure that can happen... ? I don't even know. I just want "less".)

                On the plus side... Medication! The meds do help my severe anxiety issues(also that other little issue that I got to stay in the "spa" for), my sleep issues- insomnia/night terrors (some, not 100%... don't look at me like that, I haven't taking my bedtime pills yet tonight because I wanted to write this), and such. Also there is lots of therapy work on reworking self talk and blame, and learning to deal with anxiety in healthier ways than I sometimes do, and I'm glad to report that I have been having very good success with my redirection of self harm actions.
                On the minus side- it's basically trial by fire. You cannot go around, under, over, to the side of, or any other normal, 'natural' avoidance tactic that you have used for how many ever years to avoid some seriously intense and very scary feelings and memories. Having to relive what happened with out avoidance outlets increases all the anxiety and issues about a million fold. Earlier today I was shaking and yelling at my refrigerator. My husband asked me if I wanted to hit it, and suggested I go ahead and do so, the refrigerator was obviously wrong(the open door bell kept ringing).

                I love that man.

                Also, my son it doing better.
                He is working. He and his GF are still together, however there is no baby.
                It turned out that she has kidney disease and did not know. She lost the baby and the function of one kidney.
                She is doing better not though, and they are still together.
                Tough kids.
                Makes me proud of my son, he's being a lot less of a knot head these days, he's now working hard backtracking a bit where he had fooled around and messed up before... he had to grow up a bit there real quick there, and he stood up and did.
                We talk pretty regularly on the phone.
                He doesn't know about my stay in the "spa", but he was asking about my appointments the other day and I told him what they were for. And he was just so sweet, telling me that he hoped it helped me and that was so long ago and now I have him and D(husband) and how much they both love me...
                And I just felt so guilty about landing my ass in the spa in the first place with him telling me all of that.
                But you know.
                It was really a GOOD thing to happen to me.

                Since my brain malfunction I've been changing. I've changed my attitudes about things in my life. About the judgements other people make about me. I've changed my whole way of looking at my diet and health and I'm thinner than I've been in 15 years... I'm letting go of things. It's time for me to let go of this too.

                Because as much as I'd like to believe the past 16 years has been MY life... a lot of it has not been. It's been ruled by anxiety, and fear, and night terrors, and feeling lost, alone and trapped all at the same time even in a room full of family and friends, and sudden overwhelming reactions to smells or sounds in public places that I absolutely had no control over, not to mention god forbid anyone ever touch my hair. The man who terrorized and tortured me for a few short years physically, emotionally, and sexually in person has been doing the same thing as an image burned into my brain every since then because I didn't know how to deal with it. I swallowed it down and tried to hide it and never told a soul, except my own. You just can't hide something from yourself. Especially not something that big and malignant.
                “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


                • Cori-
                  Hugs! I can sympathize/ empathize to an extent. You're loved, even on the days your head doesn't want to see it.
                  Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, steak in one hand, chocolate in the other, yelling "Holy F***, What a Ride!"
                  My Latest Journal


                  • Glad to hear that you are taking good care of yourself and that your son is doing better too. Hugs to you lovely lady.
                    Primal since 9/24/2010
                    "Our greatest foes, and whom we must chiefly combat, are within." Miguel de Cervantes

                    Created by - Free Weight Loss Tools
                    MFP username: MDAPebbles67


                    • Hugs cori. Good to see you around. It seems you are treading a very painful road one step at a time. Dealing with that shit and keeping true to yourself. Awesome as always.


                      • Cori, not only is it good to see you back here, but as is often the case, you absolutely floor me. Hell, you even occasionally humble me and that's no easy feat.

                        Yes, talk to the shrink. Talk and talk and talk until it's no longer something that controls you. I used to think that swallowing my pain was the best way to deal, but the one time I thought I was really losing my mind, talking to someone who wasn't family/friends was exactly what I needed. Color me a convert to shrinkage.

                        "Right is right, even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong, even if everyone is doing it." - St. Augustine


                        Who says back fat is a bad thing? Maybe on a hairy guy at the beach, but not on a crab.


                        • So, obviously still not writing much here. Writing a lot for the shrink. It's work there. Hard work.

                          But I did have a thing that happened on Tuesday that I felt was worth mentioning here.

                          I went and played DUI Dummy for a conference meeting for LEO and Forensic analysts, doctors, etc.
                          Basically you show up at 9am... get checked in and checked out, and they measure the alcohol for you, and you drink for them. Then they measure your impairment in front of the room full of guests. Fun right? LOL
                          Yes, I started drinking... vodka and coke at 10:30 am.
                          Don't judge me... it was for SCIENCE! =P

                          Anyway, that's not really the story that I'm telling here. Though all that mess was a pretty good time.

                          The thing was that during the intake part they do you bp/heart rate... and record your weight(so they can adjust that against your alcohol consumption? and later figure your alcohol metabolism time.
                          So I tell this big ol' 37 year veteran of the FHP(florida hwy patrol) my real actual weight.
                          I'm wearing a sort of snug fitting pair of very light colored jeans and a kinda over large heather gray UCF tshirt, slighty wrinkly. So nothing that would make me appear particularly 'slim' that day. No dark colors or nicely fitted shirt.
                          And, you know... no kinda heavy woman wants to shout out her weight across a room full of strangers so I walked forward and leaned and said my weight and he jokingly spouted back loudly with "what'd you say, 199?" And I was kind of ticked because I didn't really get that he was joking at first... so I leaned in and said my weight again... and he said "no you don't", so again I thought he was trying to say I weighed MORE, than what I was saying... so I kind of scowled at him all "WTF" like and said "Yes, I do." And suddenly he was all... "come on, you can't weight that much... there's no way?"
                          And I'm all, "no really... that's what it is."
                          And he was like "no, your scale has got to be broken or something"
                          And again, me, "no, that's really what it is..."
                          And we went around in circles about 10 times until I looked right at him and said "do you know what your problem is... you've spent the past 30-something years being lied to by women".

                          It's not like I spend a lot of time working out. I've never claimed to either. Because of genetics, and eating plenty of protein I guess, I do tend to retain/build muscle fairly well. But I'd sure like to have more, I'm far from where I should be to be "ideal" in the muscle to fat ratio thing...
                          I am tall, and my body is well proportioned, meaning my fat is well placed in general. I have good fat placement as far as maintaining an hourglass type figure. Fat on bum, hips, thighs, waist thinner, tummy pretty flat, fat in boobs, and some in upper body. Face/neck is much thinner these days.
                          But I'm in a size 14 from years ago... I tried on some 14's in a store the other day and they were falling off of me. Why? Stinky vanity sizing BS.
                          And I know for a fact that most (general population SAD) women my size are going to lie to people about their weight by a good 20lbs. Even thin/very thin ladies will knock off 5-10 lbs for no reason at all...
                          The size of your ass is going to look exactly the same whether you lie about that number or not!
                          All that crap does is create some seriously distorted thinking about weight and body size in our society.
                          One day I overheard some guys talking about weight and women... and one of them said any woman who weighed 130lbs was a FATTY... really?
                          I'm 5'9"... when I weighed around 130 I was freaking muscular and super SKINNY. I had some fat on my but and thighs(thank you genetics), but you could count my ribs easily. Not a "fatty".
                          Numbers are stupid and arbitrary.

                          And that's my message for now.
                          “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                          ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                          And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.


                          • ^+1

                            Standards...and double standards...don't get me started...
                            My Primal Journal:

                            “"Freedom from fear" could be said to sum up the whole philosophy of human rights. - Dag Hammarskjold


                            • It's therapy time! Woo!

                              Why do I have to have therapy on a holiday?
                              Hmm... good excuse to have some drinks with a friend to chillax it later... bonus.

                              In better news, last night was the FIRST time in several sessions I have slept the night before therapy!
                              (even with awesome lights out drugs)
                              Yay, me!
                              “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”
                              ~Friedrich Nietzsche
                              And that's why I'm here eating HFLC Primal/Paleo.