No announcement yet.

Dexy's Anorexic Recovery

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #76
    I didn't get time to journal yesterday. I've had lots of support and positive response to a thread I posted about ED recovery. I havebn't binged for a few days and have been making a big effort to eat more protein and fat.

    Yesterday was a rest day, I ate:

    Breakfast: 3 egg omelette, chicken breast, two roma tomatoes.
    Lunch: very large portion of beef bolognese on top of brussel sprouts and broccoli
    Dinner: pork chop, 2 beetroot, salad.

    For breakfast this morning I surpassed myself:

    4 egg omelette with chicken breast and hunk of Emental cheese, a beetroot and two tomatoes. This is the biggest breakfast I have eaten whilst primal, so why was I hungry 2 hours later? I'm not convinced about breakfast and the way it leaves me feeling so hungry.

    A lot of the anxiety over food has left in the last few days. If I binge on the calorie and fat load I'm on now I'm going to get bigger for sure.

    This morning I did my usual Thursday Body Pump class. oh, I had two plates of seaweed just before when i took the kids out for lunch. And an accidental compulsice mini springroll. So far my head hasn't fallen off.

    I weigh 63.3kg, still 2kg over my happy weight.


    • #77
      Why do you have an exact happy weight? I don't want to sound like a dick but to me that doesn't really make sense
      well then


      • #78
        Originally posted by Gadsie View Post
        Why do you have an exact happy weight? I don't want to sound like a dick but to me that doesn't really make sense
        Gadsie you're exactly right, it doesn't make any rational sense at all! It's totally arbitrary and based on nothing but a number, I don't even have any health evidence to make this a happy weight. It's a number which means I know I'm not fat. Pretty stupid really.


        • #79
          Wow, I feel good. I have eaten three large primal meals a day and some snacks as needed for the last 5 days. My period came today which took me by surprise and explains the big sugar binge 5 days ago (5 days prior is my big hormone imbalance day and has been since I was a teenager). Amazing though that no period pains or any of the other weeping, acne and generally feeling like crud.

          I have really been present and in my body today. I haven't had acute stress or anxiety for the last few days. This is the first time I've eaten properly for a very long time. I think I know now what it feels like to be sated. I'm not hungry, I'm not stuffed full. I'm not fearful because I know I'm going to be hungry and fasting tomorrow.

          Today I had breakfast, I NEVER have breakfast at the weekend. I felt tearful and scared afterwards and had an urge to keep eating, but I left the house and got on with my morning. I haven't had a binge for 6 days. Mentally, this is the best I've felt for quite some time.

          I did some cardio at the gym today, just light stuff, a bit of a jog, a bit of a cycle and a bit on the cross trainer. Watched some crappy American show suggesting to some overweight audience members to get up and move more and switch to wholegrains. Oh well.

          I ate (so much!):
          Breakfast - 2 pork sausages, 5 eggs, 1/2 punnet cherry tomatoes
          Lunch - BAS, 250g turkey breast with cup of homemade mayonaise, whole avocado. Pear.
          Dinner - grassfed beefburgers, soup (parsnip, pumpkin and sweet potato with lashings of cream and some parmasan). Greek yoghurt.

          I feel as if I'm eating my dream food and enough of it too. It seemed weird to scoop anither ladle of my delcious creamy soup with large amounts of butter in it.

          I have put on a kilo, but it could be water retention or anythings. I'm going to ride this one through, I want recovery, I've had enough of being sick.

          Body dysmorphia endlessly baffling. Bought a new skirt today, size 4 and a bit big, but I somehow can't quite believe that it's an actual size 4 and I can fit into it, somehow somewhere this must be a mistake. I still think I look big.

          Doin so much better. I'm so grateful to all the people who helped out on the thread I opened. I was scared of asking for help, really glad I did.


          • #80
            Great work. I love your attitude and commitment to healing yourself. It's a sign of self-respect and love.
            5' 9" 47 YO F
            PB start June 2, 2012
            Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
            Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs

            PB Journal


            • #81
              Another day without binges and another day with three proper primal meals. My anxiety took off today about how much I've eaten recently and got serious fear about how much weight gain this will cause. So I ended up walking for two hours this morning, which isn't unusual, but then this evening I wasn't hungry and dinner was approaching and I was terrified at the thought of sitting down to eat and not wanting it, as this can trigger binges. So I ran for an hour but not al all chronic cardio, I ran like an old lady, didn't even break into a sweat and still looked glamarous when I got home. Very anxious though, a lot of OCD behaviour and qute destructive thought processes and the need to act out in as many different ways as possible. If you are reading this you are probably grateful not to be married to be today.

              Today I ate:

              Breakfast - 2 sausages, 4 fried eggs, 1/2 punnet cherry tomatoes.
              Lunch - bowl of parsnip and pumpkin soup, small salad, beefburger, about 300g turkey breast. Apple.
              Dinner - roast chicken and skin (didn't mean to have poultry twice in one day, just how my fridge worked out), broccoli with butter, purple carrots with butter and loads of gravy. One square dark chocolate.

              Had a headache this morning which isn't normal for me. No period pains at all, it must be my diet (7 months primal now) and also the wild yam and chaste tree that I started taking very cynically. In fact, I don't even feel as if I'm menstruating, it's quite amazing.

              I'm okay, but today has been tough. I want to IF tomorrow as I don't think my body will not out on weight now. if I hit 65kg this is the heaviest I will have been for 2 years and I will have to restrict to get back down again. Anyway, one day at a time.


              • #82
                I've woken up this morning feeling quite depressed. I have an overwhelming urge to go to the gym and excercise and weight myself, but my 4 year old is on school holidays and I've promised him an adventure today, so I won't.

                I had 3 slice of bacon and 3 eggs cooked in the fat. I haven't been sleeping very well and have been taking about 12.5mg seroquel at nights, which I'm sure doesn't help with cravings and blood sugar levels. Anyway. Just wanted to check in and say I feel like crap today.


                • #83
                  Sorry to hear you're having a rough day Dexy! Hope tomorrow perks up!


                  • #84
                    Originally posted by AbigailLyn View Post
                    Sorry to hear you're having a rough day Dexy! Hope tomorrow perks up!
                    Aah, thanks AbigailLyn. I feel a bit better after breakfast and now lunch. Just trying to keep it in the day.


                    • #85
                      A very emotional day and I had to dig deep to keep loving from one moment to the next. No excercise today, I'm very tired and a bit sore from walking and carrying my bag yesterday (I didn't log that, another story for another day). I haven't been hungry today (a little bit about 3 hours after breakfast, I need another egg )

                      Breakfast: 3 fried eggs (in butter), 4 slices bacon, handful of cherry tomatoes.
                      Lunch: grassfed steak, cabbage, mushrooms, onion, capsicum nad left over chicken gravy. Apple.
                      Dinner: tuna and whomemade mayonaise (I'm loving this stuff), BAS (cos lettuce, red capsicum, fennel, cucumber and a giant purple carrot), Greek yoghurt - about 4 tablespoons, felt hungry enough for extra.

                      The big weigh in tomorrow. Was checking through my journal today, this time last year I was 4 kilos less than I am now and was convinced I was fat. I was bridesmaid at my sister's wedding and my dress was the smallest size known to humanity (it was a US size 4) and was way too big but even the professional seamstress couldn't take it in properly because of all the sequins. So I spent the wedding hitching it up over my non-existant bosom. I had to have a padded bra sewn inside it to keep it up. In the photos I look like a skeleton. BUT I thought I was fat.

                      I feel much better for not being hungry all the time. My journal was all about being hungry and how to beat it. I don't want to be like that anymore.

                      My husband isn't speaking to me, which is quite triggering. Without realising it he doesn't want me to be well because it will change the dynamic of our relationship (as in he has always looked after me). I still want recovery though. My OA sponsor wants to talk to me about fear of weight gain and about nurturing excercise. She wasn't impressed by my compulsice run yesterday. I do love excercise though and usually it is nurturing. Grunting and swinging kettle bells at Zumba ladies is always nurturing.


                      • #86
                        Day 8 without binges, 100% primal (except swish of Worcestershire sauce last week).

                        Weigh in at 63.6kg. I've lost the mystery kilo again. Lost - really? After everything I've eaten in the last 8 days? All those sausages, eggs, steaks, bacon, avocados. I am truly astounded. Fat does fill me up and it does burn off. My hat off to Gary Taubes who finally made this quite clear.

                        What a week. I was so convinced I was going to blow up like a balloon. I can live at 63kg, it's not 59kg, but it is just fine for today if that is where my body decides it needs to be. I'm impressed with my body, I've allowed myself to eat properly and it knows when to stop and when to ask for me, only these last 8 days I've listened properly. I have cut down on fruit, all nuts and only eat yoghurt every other day. Otherwise it's been an orgy of fat and I seem to have come out a winner.

                        I'm exhausted tonight and was a bit compulsive around leftovers after dinner, but I stopped and caught a hold of myself spooning from here and there. I'm okay, I'm alive, the fat didn't turn me into a pudge and I feel awesome. To not be hungry for 8 days in a row is a miracle. To not have binged for 8 days in a row is a miracle.

                        Today I lifted heavy things for about 50 minutes, did major muscles groups in two sets with some super-sets. Was feeling quite energetic and pleased with myself.

                        I ate:

                        Breakfast - 3 egg omlette (with 2 leftover egg whites from mayonaise), handful cherry tomatoes, 4 slices bacon.
                        Lunch - lambs liver, cabbage, mushrooms, red capsicum, chicken bone broth. Apple.
                        Dinner - beef bolognese, mashed parsnip/sweet potato/pumpkin with cream and butter. One square dark chocolate.

                        Today my 3 year old son asked for some of my bacon and then more and more. So breakfasts are finally primal in our house and I never even coerced them. One digs a banana smoothie with coconut milk and yoghurt and the other one is onto bacon and eggs. The kids hardly eat bread any more and won't eat pasta. Even pizza gets the thumbs down with one of them. It's strange really as I have never said anything to them, I think gradually they've tasted better things and don't like past anymore. When I first went primal I didn't know how I was going to live without it, now I never even think about it. I think of grains now and I think of a sore tummy and a sleepless night.

                        I'm so grateful not to be lost in food this last week. The calorie counting I used to do, I'm grateful for not wanting to do that alone. Some days it used to take a couple of hours to weigh everything and log it. Ugh.


                        • #87
                          Your post made me smile. Glad you are finding your way out of the nightmare. May I recommend the Live. Love. Eat. Podcast? It has been talking about self-love and its importance, esp for women.
                          5' 9" 47 YO F
                          PB start June 2, 2012
                          Pre PB SW = 180 (no scale at home, Mom's scale January - 153lbs!)
                          Current deadlift 245 lbs, squat 165 lbs, bench press 135 lbs

                          PB Journal


                          • #88
                            Yeah 8 days!

                            I've been reading your journal lately as I find myself in the same exact situation it seems... trying OA, trying to eat more fat and "real" foods, trying not to live in my head ALL the time

                            Anyway, thanks for sharing and I'm really happy to hear that things went well for the last week. Just keep at it, one day at a time


                            • #89
                              Originally posted by June68 View Post
                              Your post made me smile. Glad you are finding your way out of the nightmare. May I recommend the Live. Love. Eat. Podcast? It has been talking about self-love and its importance, esp for women.
                              Sounds great, I'll check it out today. Thanks June68


                              • #90
                                The mystery kilo is back, I'm 64.7kg, the heaviest for two years. This is not thrilling, but my clothes fit and I feel fine so i'll just take it for now.

                                I didn't log yesterday as went out for dinner, I managed to order a prawn and scallop skewer, for the price I got about two mouthfuls. I could have eaten 6 of those kebabs. it came with a capsicum and avocado salad which was delish.

                                I did Body Pump today but felt tired and have a strain in my rotator cuff so just need to be a bit careful with that.

                                Today I ate:

                                Breakfast - 4 fried eggs, 4 slices bacon
                                Lunch - salad, turkey breast and homemade mayonaise. Pear.
                                Dinner - roast grassfed lamb (on special at Harris Farm!), 2 small sweet potato, bly choy fried in bacon fat, some carrot. Greek yoghurt.
                                Snack - 2 boiled eggs, a tomato and mayonaise.

                                I have a bit of a hankering for something sweet tonight otherwise I can't believe how well I'm doing. I think this is day 10 of no binges and completley primal.

                                I defintely look chunkier in my legs and waist, that is not body dysmorphia. It might be the bacon. I say this to myself then decide that tomorrow I'll IF till I'm back to 61kg again. But I know I need to keep eating. I've never deliberately out weight on before. I like feeling full though, the clarity that comes from not being obsessed with food is quite wonderful.

                                My fussy 3 year old has his first ever 100% primal day today too, totally his choice. I'm so pleased with the way they're eating. For breakfast he had bacon and a banana (mixed together! His idea), grapes for a snack, 3 egg omlette for lunch, huge portion of lamb for dinner (didn't want any veg) and some Greey yoghurt with honey. My kids hardly snack anymore, I love watching the way they approach food and their isntincts for what they need to eat and when. I learn a lot from them.