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Yes, I'm really asking for relationship advice on MDA...

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  • Yes, I'm really asking for relationship advice on MDA...

    ...but it's only because this community is full of such intelligent individuals with lots of life experience.

    I'm 21 years old and have been dating my boyfriend (relatively long distance) for a year and a half. He is, in my opinion, incredibly needy. He calls three or more times per day, for 30-60 minutes each time. He makes sarcastic comments any time I tell him I'm hanging out with other people. He wants my facebook/email password, although he assures me that it's not because he doesn't trust me. He doesn't have a great relationship with his family, so he depends on me for a lot of his emotional support. He visits every single weekend, and gets upset if I say I need a weekend off -- he says that most couples get to be together every day, so he should at least get the weekend.

    Despite all this... he's also very sweet. He tells me all the time that I mean a lot to him, and that he'd marry me tomorrow if I let him. He buys me anything I ask for (although I feel uncomfortable with lavish gifts and don't ask for much). He cares for me when I'm sick and worries about me any time I don't answer the phone.

    We met through a mutual friend, but come from very different backgrounds. My family happens to be more wealthy than his. I also happen to be a better student, go to a better school, and have a better job lined up for after graduation. He hasn't made a great impression on my parents -- he's a bit shy around them. They think that he's needy, and that he's looking to me to complete him, because he doesn't have much going on in his own life (his parents are quite absent, he's struggling to find a job after graduation, etc). They believe it's not healthy, and that the relationship is too suffocating.

    I don't disagree with them. But every time I think about dumping him, I think that A) I must be crazy to break up with someone who loves me so much, and B) my parents are being snobs and expecting the person I date to be 100% perfect. I also feel incredibly guilty abandoning somebody just because they're down on their luck at the moment -- and I wonder whether things might improve in a year or two, when we live alone together.

    I guess I'm looking for some objective evaluations of the situation. Do his behaviors seem like red flags of an unstable person, or is it just a sign that he loves and is committed to me?

  • #2
    Asking for passwords - huge red flag. I hope he's only done this once and then backed off. If it's a repeated request I'd see that as a reason to break up in and of itself.

    I'm a huge fan of the Captain Awkward website for smart thinking about relationships.
    I like badgers, books and booze, more or less in that order.


    • #3
      You seem to be an attractive young woman with a good head on her shoulders, and he's insecure about you being "better" than him, or him not living up to you, or however you want to phrase it.

      Him wanting your facebook/email password is a VERY BIG red flag, for a couple of reasons.
      1) No matter what he says, it's because he doesn't trust you. Period. End of story.
      2) It reeks of insecurity.

      You guys are young, long-distance is tough, and trust me when I say neither one of you knows what you want 100% out of a partner at this point in your life.

      This stuff won't get better from his end, unless there's some huge mental change in emotional maturity, which, even being generous here...just won't happen.

      Good luck.


      • #4
        Not needy. Clingy control freak. If he can't trust you, then you can't trust him.
        Crohn's, doing SCD


        • #5
          Trust your gut feel. There is doubt and worry there. Trust it. He is not the one for you and you know it already on a certain level. The way you feel has nothing to do with your parents view of him, it's to do with that feeling in your gut.. Listen to your inner being And don't waste time feeling guilty about your decisions.. guilt is a waste of emotional energy
          I don't believe there is one correct way of eating for everybody, and I don't believe there is one correct way of eating for a person through every stage of their life


          • #6
            Originally posted by Knifegill View Post
            Not needy. Clingy control freak. If he can't trust you, then you can't trust him.
            clingy control freak with some mental issues

            maybe it's just from personal experience, but i'm positive it's gonna get worse. there is no upside unless he has therapy

            also, he wants your password so he can look through your messages. depending on his level of self control, he would also remove friends he didn't approve of

            yes he's sweet, he's also very insecure and controlling via guilt

            and when you live alone together? he'll have more opportunity to control you because you feel bad for the inferiority he feels
            yeah you are

            Baby if you time travel back far enough you can avoid that work because the dust won't be there. You're too pretty to be working that hard.


            • #7
              I'm inclined to agree with your parents, actually. I don't think they are being snobs or looking for your partner to be 100% perfect. I think they are seeing exactly what you are seeing, but not having the emotional attachment, are able to go "this isn't good" -- very clearly.

              Personally, I think you should break up with him just because of what *you* have identified, and it might only get more intense in some ways if you are together more. He needs to manage himself (and his insecurities) -- you don't need to manage it for him. And if you continue, you're going to end up managing his anxieties and insecurities. And that's a full time, emotionally draining (and often abusive) job.

              Yes, big red flags, so get out now.


              • #8
                Advice from someone who has been in your shoes at about your age. Drop him like the proverbial hot potato and get on with your life. This kind of behavior does not change with age. It gets worse. You deserve an equal, not a clingy control freak.


                • #9
                  This guy definitely sounds like he has security issues. You should be with someone who will bring out the best in you and inspire you to be the best that you can be. This guy sounds like he will eventually drag you down to his level which is not good for either of you.
                  Ignore your parents because nobody will ever be good enough for their daughter, follow your own heart and instincts.


                  • #10
                    Run, girl, run! Red flags all over the place. He won't get better, he will get worse.
                    My Primal Journal:

                    "Freedom from fear" could be said to sum up the whole philosophy of human rights. - Dag Hammarskjold


                    • #11
                      Your boyfriend reminds me of how I was with my first girlfriend. She did me the biggest favour by dumping me. I cringe to think how I would be if we were still together.

                      I'm not a bad person. I didn't know better then and am glad that she didn't validate my bad behaviour. I hope you're kind enough to do your boy the same favour.
                      Ones who try my curry are not ones to leave in a hurry


                      • #12
                        You've gotten good advice from both men and women so far. Run and don't look back. If he's asking for passwords now, its going to be monitored phone calls later. Possibly gps tracked through your phone. In my over 40 years on this planet I've had the opportunity and misfortune to meet many personality types. He may never harm anyone in his life, but those that do start out with traits like his.


                        • #13
                          Unless he is willing to commit to some serious long-term therapy I would run like the wind and not look back. Asking for passwords is going way too far.


                          • #14
                            The password thing alone is worrying. I think you should separate the things your parents have said in your mind from your own, genuine concerns -it sounds like the fact he is coming under attack for trivial things has complicated the issue by making you feel you must defend him. So separate the two things in your mind - all that matters is how you feel about the needy behaviour. I can't imagine that kind of controlling behaviour ever getting better in the same relationship. He might go on in future to have better relationships, but in this one he is jealous, insecure and controlling and you should be running. You're worried that you'd be mad to leave someone who loves you so much andbuys you whatever you want - that's how control freaks work - by getting you to think like that! You sound like a stable, sensible, clever, attractive person - you'll never be short of people to love you, but love you like the equal you are - not in such a posessive way. End the relationship. Expect it to be hard work - he sounds like the type to not accept it, to pester and claim he'll change. I think you'll have to be quite ruthless and firm here. Good luck! Apols for typos - am on phone and it's a bit rubbish!


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by PrimalStudent View Post
                              He wants my facebook/email password, although he assures me that it's not because he doesn't trust me.
                              Red Flag!

                              So why is this wanted or needed?

                              I don't have Facebook but I understand any one logged in as you can :
                              -chat real time (as you),
                              -send messages ( as you),
                              -post messages ( as you),
                              -de-friend contacts ( as you),
                              -refuse friendships ( as you),

                              The person at the receiving end doesn't know it's not you doing this.